Las Vegas Trip Report: The One Where I Accidentally Assault Someone in an Elevator

Note:  This is an older Las Vegas trip report that I am posting for the entertainment of Las Vegas addicts and anyone else who loves fun.  It was written back in 2008.  Most of this information is now outdated and some places mentioned no longer exist.

Saturday, December 27, 2008 – Day Sixteen of Twenty One

Only six days left.  Damn.

Today I slept until 10:00 at Fitzgeralds.  I was out at 11:00  I waited 90 years for the elevator.  The elevators here are notoriously slow  I only have six days left in Las Vegas.  I couldn’t afford to lose this time so I took the stairs. A lot of people do the same. One of them was a kid who was BOLTING down the stairs until a security guard came running in and freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaked out on him, demanding to know what he was doing.  The kid tells him “the elevators don’t work, I am taking the stairs” and security yelled “WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?” The kid said they were coming.  This all surprised me.  I was unaware how well monitored elevator stairwells are in Las Vegas.

Once I hit the ground floor, I got completely lost while trying to figure out how the hell to exit from the stairwell.  I started panicking thinking I was going to get in trouble because I was in areas I am sure I did not belong in.

FINALLY I found an exit.

I went to the Courtyard Café at Fitzgeralds (THAT’S the new name!).   It took foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr to see the waiter/have him take my order. This happens a lot here.  The place is packed and no sight of a waiter at all foreverrrrrrrrrr.  He finally surfaces and looks completely stressed out. I try to not be mean to him. I know to not do this to people who serve you food.  But I was hungry and cranky and had to travel all the way around the world to find out how to get out of the stairway and into the casino because the elevators here never work and WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE TODAY IS NOT OFF TO A GOOD START PEOPLE.

So anyway.

After eating, I went to the El Cortez with a 3x points coupon from the Las Vegas Advisor (I can’t believe I haven’t used this yet) and to get my free entry to the Saturday night drawing with a coupon from a mailer.  Well wouldn’t you know it, I had to turn in that coupon BEFORE today to get entered.  Dammit.

I played around and I lost either $200 or $300 – I am not sure how much although I think it may have been only $200. I wrote that I don’t know how I lost that much, I was only there for about ten minutes. What a waste of a multiplier if you can’t even keep playing to earn points.

I went back to Fitzgeralds to sulk. And by “sulk” I mean “put another $100 in a quarter Double Bonus video poker machine and cash out at ZERO even though I did hit 7’s at some point and should have cashed out then.”


I go back to my room to nap. I can’t nap but I have to stay here because I suck.

I go back out at 6:00 and try the weirdo old school video poker with a wheel.  I play and hit two’s with a kicker.  Thank you.

fitz wheel 4oak 2s

I play a Jackpot Party slot machine and get the bonus.  Of course, I pick the Pooper on the first pick. Always.

Some weirdo man came up and tried to strike up conversation.   You know, typical casino “is this machine paying?” bullshit.  Yes, it is paying.   I have won eleventy billion dollars.  Please murder me and steal my winnings.

I wouldn’t look at him/barely answered him. He leaves.  Security then comes up and asked if I knew him. I said no. They asked what he asked me and then the security guard then went to the door and watched the guy for a little bit. I left.

Over to the Four Queens.  I played a Happy Days slot machine and lost. I walked over to Binions, I lose $15. Next up, I hit the California and join the line of death for the coffee shop.  I have their prime rib special, which is very good as always.

After eating, I decide to call it quits for the night. I have $60 left for today.  I don’t know how this is possible.  But I do.  I want to hold it for tomorrow.

I wait for the elevator at Fitzgeralds.  There are 98274892 people waiting with me. Of course there are.  These are the WORST ELEVATORS IN ALL OF LAS VEGAS.  Finally an elevator comes and EVERYONE tries to get in, I don’t.

The next one comes, I get in. Some woman nearly pushes me down to get in, I block her and I get in first. Then the doors start to shut but there are still people going in so the buzzer goes off on the elevator. All the people who are also trying to get in, now get scared of the buzzer and back out. So the elevator is about half empty.

This stupid woman who nearly pushed me to get in, is standing like right on top of me, despite having allllllllllll that empty space in front of her. I’m standing there telling myself to NOT wish her death because if I wish her death, she might die IN THIS ELEVATOR by way of it crashing to the ground.  Then I would die too.

But then she turns to look at herself in the mirror on the wall and is now standing inside of me. Oh no. Get off me.The door opens at my floor and I say “excuse me” and she moves about an inch, still staring at herself in the mirror. For the second time on this trip I must have unknowingly borrowed Mac King’s Cloak of Invisibility, since she was standing inside me, and MAYBE she thought that allowing me one inch of space to exit, when she has like three feet of empty space in front of her, was acceptable.

I somehow doubt all this though.

So now I am left with no choice but to push my way past her. So I do. A bit harder than necessary, I admit.  But I hate her.

The next part was completely unintentional. I couldn’t have planned this if I wanted to. As I am pushing my way out of the elevator, my bag gets stuck somehow, someway, I don’t know.  It is a messenger bag.  The strap is around my shoulder/body and the bag part is behind me, so I could not see.   I feel it tug on something and I can’t get it free. I turn around to see what my bag is stuck on.  When I do, my bag  moves with me and comes off of whatever it was stuck to and it’s now free.  BUT.  At the same time, I see that what happened is that it apparently it had been stuck on this woman.  So when I turned and yanked it free, she got yanked with it.  My view is now her at a 90 degree angle headed towards the floor. Someone catches her and I say “I’m sorry” three times but the truth is that I didn’t mean it any of those times.  I actually mentally high fived myself.

The bad news is, I am going to Hell.  The good news is, I do not have to travel far as Hell is located inside the elevators at Fitzgeralds, just a few feet down from my room.

And with that, day sixteen is officially over.

4 thoughts on “Las Vegas Trip Report: The One Where I Accidentally Assault Someone in an Elevator

  1. kim

    I love your style of writing! Now I feel better because I think I secretly hate most people and I was clapping in my head when you pushed that woman in the elevator! Good job!

  2. Paul farmer

    It was karma working when your bag attached to that ignorant woman. What goes around comes around. I would have taken the slow ride back down to win on the slots.

  3. Pingback: Trip Report to Atlantic City, New Jersey: Travel Day - i put my life on a shelf

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