So I explained my logic for taking this trip here.  Now here is the report!

I had originally booked Southwest, leaving San Francisco at 8:00-ish AM and arriving at 11:30-ish AM. I booked it because I had flight credit from a trip to Atlanta, where the airfare kept going down so I kept rebooking. I did not like this flight at all.  It had a layover which made the flight too long.  But the first direct flight of the day only landed half an hour earlier and was like three times the price.  What to do, what to do…..?  Ah fuck it.   I ate the Southwest ticket and booked a brand new ticket on United, arriving at 7:40 am.   I now have $42 in Southwest credit.  But they go literally nowhere from NYC that I would be flying Southwest for.  So unless a surprise trip comes up…..well whatever.

I was super, insanely excited to go to Vegas.  I ended up upgrading my seat for $24 and ended up with my own row.  I was like the tenth person off the plane.  This was so exciting!  The flight went so fast!  What time is it?  7:11!  This is an omen!

Look at pretty Las Vegas!  I never arrive in the daytime so this made me excited.

And then I went outside.  And saw the WAX bus pulling away. NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO! BAD WAX BUS! BAD!

The WAX bus only runs once an hour.  My original plans were to stop at MGM Grand on my way downtown, to use a MyVegas reward for a free buffet.  So now I had two horrible choices.  One was to wait an hour for the bus.  My second choice was to take a cab or shuttle.  That made even less sense.  Why pay for a cab or a shuttle to eat a free breakfast, when breakfast downtown would be cheaper than either a cab or a shuttle?

I looked at the bus schedule for the CX bus and figured I could take  this downtown.  One should be along in around half an hour.  Sounds good to me, new plan = formed!

After about twenty minutes, a CX pulls up.  I get up off the bench I am sitting on and walk towards it.  The driver puts his hand up to motion me to not get on the bus.  Okay, sure. So I move back a bit and stand closer to the wall than the bus.   He eventually gets off the bus and asks me “What do you need?”  Um, I need to get on the bus?  Don’t you start with me, I  have zero temper for this.  Ask your buddy I had a fight with last year.  He asks where I am going.  “Downtown.”  He slowly nods like he is mulling over whether or not I am allowed to get on this bus.  I mean I get it.  He is probably used to people piling on his bus, thinking it is the WAX so he is expecting that from me.  So I let it go.

Finally he lets me get on the bus and we leave.  He stops at a 7-11 and says “I’ll be right back” and goes inside.  Oh come on.  Then he stops somewhere else, I had no idea where we were for the first half of this bus ride.  He is now getting off and a new driver is getting on.  This takes so long.   Hey, how are you today?  Blah blah small talk weather blah blah. GO AWAY AND LET’S GO ALREADY.

We do.

Some guy with a bicycle gets on at the next stop. Something is going on with him. I think he probably cannot figure out how to attach the bike to the bike rack on the front of the bus because this went on FOREVER.  Guys, hello?  I just got to Las Vegas and you are taking up all my degenerate gambling time.  Can we please get it together?

I arrive at the California hotel at 8:30 AM.  I love this place so much.  I had fallen out of their good graces for a while there.  I finally got them to love me again during a degenerate session last December and now my offers are strong again.   I could not be more thrilled.

I am trying to check my bags so I can go gambling.  The Bell Man is helping everyone but me.  I am getting mad.  I am trying to not get mad.  Bad karma and all, but no really, PAY ATTENTION TO ME.  Finally all the people who got there behind me, that he bypassed me to help, are helped and I am left standing there all by my lonesome.  He looks at me, I look back with a raised eyebrow.  He asks me if I need help.  Uh yeah, I  need to check my bags.  He tells me to check in.  It is too early.  “No it isn’t, go check in!”  Fine.

I check in but am not given a room because it is not ready.  The check-in clerk has to then call the freaking Bell Man over to get my bags. Sigh.

I go gambling.

I start out on California’s progressive nickel Keno.  The top jackpot for hitting 10/10 is over $17k.  I didn’t hit it.  Or anything.  Like literally, nothing.

I decide I need to go and get some iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts.  So I do.  And I lost $30 on  my way out the door, which is pretty understandable given that the door is at least 100 feet away.  Not my fault the machines are so pretty and shiny.

Breakfast was at The D.  I had a mailer for $10 dining credit.  I used that plus a couple of bucks on delicious stuffed French toast with blueberry sauce.  Highly recommended.  From here, I want to GAMBLE NOW.   But I have to get an iced coffee first, because that is the rule.  So I walk over to Dunkin’ Donuts, get an iced coffee and spill at least half of it down my shirt.   Oh fuck you.

Back to The D.  I am kind of on boycott of The D.  Here is what happened.  Last year, they sent a whole lot of people, including me, short offers.  I should have been getting three free nights any day + $50 slot play.  I got buy one get one, and I think $5 slot play.  HAH.  No way in hell ever will I darken your door again.  But I did.  Because I was going to gamble that $5 free slot play.  So I did.  And when I got home from that trip, waiting in my mailbox was a new mailer.  Three free nights + $50 slot play.  Fuck.  This means that they brought me back to where I should be.  But since I had only gambled that $5 and maybe two $20’s, my next offers would be based on that meager play.  And over time I saw I was right.  Now I am legitimately getting buy one get one and $5 free play. DAMMIT.

However, on this day, The D is offering 5x points.  So for every dollar you gamble, it is as if you are gambling $5.  This means you are earining 5x comps and 5x cash back.  I can let my boycott go for this.

I head upstairs to play Double Double Bonus video poker at the bar.  The progressive for four of a kind was close to $100.  I wanted it so bad.  Nothing, nothing, nothing, some more nothing, oh hey more nothing!  Did anyone here order the nothing?  I think I got your order by mistake?  No?  Nothing?  OH HEY WAIT LOOK!  I was dealt four Kings!  I would show you a picture but I hit cash out so fast that I forgot.  WOO!  I WON!

I take my $100 and try to get out of here.  I have to of course, stop and play some stupid slot machine because SLOT MACHINE.  Then I try and play Cleopatra Keno at the Longbar downstairs.  Some guy yells out to me “That machine is $2 now!”  I look and damn WOW.  The minimum denomination on this machine is $2.  It used to be quarters.  I move away, the next empty one, $2.  The one next to that, $2.  Are you freaking KIDDING ME?  WHY ARE ALL THESE MACHINES STARTING AT A MINIMUM OF $2 DENOMINATIONS?  HAVE YOU GONE MAD?

I finally find a quarter machine.  It won’t take my $20.  I am now getting ready to kill someone.  Oh hey wait look!  There is someone getting up from a quarter machine YAY!  I sit down, and immediately I hit a bonus for $125.  I cash out and try again to get out of this casino.  But SLOT MACHINES WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Finally I made it back to California.  I am given my room key and I go up.  First thing I do is count my winnings.  There is a hell of a lot less money here than I thought.  To be fair, I hadn’t counted my money since I left my glamper camper for in Oakland, to go to a show in Berkeley a couple of days ago.   So I am not even entirely sure how much money I left for Las Vegas with.  But it seems to me like I lost $100 in The D, despite having two $100 wins.  DAMMIT.

Oh yeah, my glamper camper.  Here is where I stayed when I was in Oakland, prior to flying to Las Vegas.  Isn’t she cute?  I heart Airbnb.

Back to Las Vegas!

I could take a nap.  Since I had been up since 1:00 am to fly here and it is now 1:00 PM.  Or I could not take a nap because I am in Las Vegas.  No nap it is!

I went over to Main Street Station, stopping at Lapperts for an iced chai latte.  Delicious and addicting.  I put a $20 into a quarter Double Double Bonus video poker progressive and played forever on it.  I kept mostly between $20-30.  Which was weird since I never once hit a four of a kind.  Finally I got to zero and went about finding lunch.  It ended up being take away from Triple 7 Brew Pub.  Loaded potato chips.  This was a very good choice.

Back to my room to gorge and finally, nap.  This is a lot of text so I will cut it here and continue with part two tomorrow!